Amongst Kings

My attitude regarding Craigslist spam has completely changed of late. Every time one of these shows up in my inbox now, it's like Christmas morning.

Hello

My name is Jim, Ceo of Craigslist. We've recently partnered up with Apple for a one-time promotional event today, we are giving away complimentary Apple iPad 2 to randomly selected folks who have posted an ad on Cl. You have been chosen as one of our newest winners for today. We randomly choose numbers to match up with ads on Craig's list and your ad matched with our latest drawing.

We have now partnered up with Apple to advertise their hottest product yet, the Apple iPad 2. Once yet again, we have been running this campaign for one-day only. All you need to do is (click here) to go to our site generated for this promotion and enter your email to obtain yours for free. Simply make sure you enter your email therefore we may locate our records to make certain that we have reserved one for you. That is it!

Congrats on winning a free Apple iPad 2 (valued at $499). In case you could have any question or issues, feel free to email me back. However, you should claim your free iPad 2 first to guarantee one will be reserved for you personally prior to the deadline ends. We do understand that you may possibly not receive this email until after the deadline, however, we suggest you check out the web site and enter your email to see if we still have yours on hold, which we often-times do because others have not claimed theirs on time.

Jim

CEO, Craigslist

Jim,

Thank you so much for emailing me personally. I'm a bit shocked to be speaking with you, the CEO of Craigslist. I'm mostly shocked that your name isn't Craig, but that's neither here not there.

Not many CEOs would personally engage a commoner such as myself in a daily prize drawing program. Kudos to you on your customer engagement.

First off, I know Apple is incredibly selective, and as one of Fortune's Most Admired Companies, it makes complete sense that they would partner with a stripped-down bartering website known for good used power tool finds and sketchy massage services. Who wouldn't want to attach their name to that - Apple with another ace move!

To be honest, your email could not have come at a more perfect time. You might not be aware of this, but I am actually a direct descendent of Scandinavian royalty. It gets a bit complicated once I map out the family tree (my "great aunt" is technically a very old porcelain jewelry box), but I'm basically the equivalent of a prince. I have in my possession multiple crowns to prove this.

Although I have millions to my name, I've lost my passport on my most recent trip to Kenya, and am trapped. If you'd be so kind to respond to this email with your address, and perhaps spot me a few dollars to help me get a new passport, I would gladly repay the favor with 10X your donation, as well as 3 precious stones of your choice (and yes, lapis is an option!).

Your the CEO of Craigslist. I'm Scandanavian royalty. You're the equivalent of a King, and I will be some day (as long as my "cousin," a prize mule, dies soon). Let's just call this a diplomatic exchange and make it happen.

I will eagerly await your response.

Many thanks,

Jak

Spammers: Sharing is Caring

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to reply to these emails anymore and exhaust this joke. But the emails keep coming...

Re: 78 dodge motorhome/ trade suv - $3500 (wheat ridge)

Hidyho angie long

Just a heads up about something I think you might be interested in. This great guide can get you generating a decent living over net.

Unfortunately for me I was made redundant so was very happy to discover this, especially after I had to sell my mums engagement ring to cover the groceries. Only took two weeks to get running

Just enter "Javiswealth pack" into Google for information

Good luck, Alex

-------------------------------------

Alex,

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your mums broken engagement. I'm sure your family origin is an interesting one.

You probably don't get a lot of replies to your emails, but I want to be sure and offer a big THANK YOU for this heads up information. The crazy thing is that my name isn't Angie Long, nor am I selling a '78 Dodge Motorhome for $3500 (but that's a steal deal at twice the price!). I don't know how you found me, but this is like a "Touched By An Angel" episode!

Since you've already done so much for me, I thought I might pass along some helpful info your way. My wife and I watched the most fascinating documentary the other night, and it has really revolutionized our worldview. It was completely unexpected! There I was, wanting to put on my pajama jeans and relax after a long day at the butterfly conservatory, when this film completely grabbed my focus and never let go.

It's called Space Jam, and it's a documentary about how Michael Jordan spent his off years in between basketball retirements. I always thought he was trying baseball - boy was I mistaken!

Apparently, MJ was minding his own business when he was forced to face a race of superhuman cartoon monsters for the fate of the universe. These monsters had stolen the talents from NBA greats such as Shawn Bradley and Muggsy Bogues! I always knew MJ was special, but I never knew how special he was.

If you're like me, you've always lived with the sneaking suspicion that Looney Tunes characters were real. You know what I'm talking about - the sleepless nights wondering, the Elmer Fudd sightings on random nature walks, or the way ducks always seem to look at you. I never wanted to voice my belief - but now I confidently can!

I hope this documentary brings you as much relief as it did for me.

Please feel free to pass this on.

Most affectionately,

JJ

Upping the Ante

I've had several spammers of note on Craigslist lately, but I must say - this man is bold. If times get tough, I just might consider his offer...

-----

On Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 8:52 AM, Ryan Barnes wrote:

Attention active Cl User,

My name is Ryan Barnes, Boss of Craigslist. We have not long ago partnered up with a recruitment company to help us in search for the right person to join our Craigslist team.

We are clearly aware unemployment is on the rise and people are desperate to make ends meet. For those still searching for work this would be a great opportunity .

Presently we are looking for a number of enthusiastic people (No experience necessary) to become a member of our team to deal with high volume of support. An attractive 100k income and a 2 week training will be provided to the right applicants.

At the moment our network are being flooded by spammers blocking up our system and at the same time complaints are rising and we cannot afford to slip behind.

In order to be considered, candidates must finish an IQ test, which is located here ...

The test will take approximately 10 min's to complete. Be sure to include your mobile phone number after you complete the test in order to track your results and for contact purposes. Applicants scoring inside a specified range will be reached by telephone to organise an interview within 24 hrs of completion by one of our administrators. Test information is strictly forbidden from being shared with any 2nd parties. It is important to us that your details is kept confidential and exempt from disclosure.

Be aware: Applicants who do not complete the examination will not be considered for the position due to the large volume of inquiries we receive.

Thank you once again for your interest.

9:32 AM (1 minute ago)

Attn: Ryan Barnes, Most High Boss of Craigslist,

I must say Mssr. Barnes, it is an honor to meet the Boss of Craigslist. Truly it is. I just have so many questions as to how you've built such an incredible online empire. This. Is. Epic!

I would love to take your IQ test, but I might have some difficulty in doing so, because I have no hands, eyes, elbows or a bellybutton. As you might imagine, this makes taking computer aptitude tests very difficult. I'm only able to write this correspondence because I have created an elaborate homemade computer system which involves a motherboard, CPU, vintage toaster, SAAB engine parts, a few Micro Machines cars and a lot of inspiration from the move "Batteries Not Included" (you know what I'm talking about!). In fact, this email took me 6 hours to write.

Please excuse my excitement - once again, I'm so thrilled to be communicating with the Boss of Craigslist - the world's number one site for extra special super bargains! You said you were looking for enthusiastic people, and I believe I am that people.

Quick question - Once I'm hired, will the skyscraper out of which I'll be working have an ocean view or a park view? Additionally, will the fitness center offer Zumba classes on site, or will I need to seek reimbursement?

Back to the matter at hand ... I think it's clear from my level or personal innovation that no IQ test is necessary. I can tell you, for official Boss documentation purposes, that I would score at least a 276 (and that's IF you're using the standard Bartlett-Holmes deviation method).

I'm more than happy to meet you in person for an interview. Due to my physical limitations, you'll understand if I can't wear a suit in the traditional sense. I can, however, sport a mean cummerbund.

When can I start?

Most enthusiastically,

JJ

Another One Bites the Dust

Brad Farr

(9 hours ago)

Hello i really appreciate your response to my earlier mail. I will
like to buy this item so pls do withdraw the advert from Craigslist. I
will also like you to know that i will be paying via check.I will need
you to provide me with the following information to facilitate the
mailing of
the check.
1.Your full name to be on the check
2.Home or work address
3.Your phone number.
**I will like you to know that you will not be responsible for moving i will
have my mover come over for the pick up as soon as you have cashed the
check**
Have a nice day.

------------

Brad,

I'm so sorry but I don't accept a check as a form of payment. Actually, I don't accept cash either. I prefer to barter.

Here are the items I consider an equivalent trade:

- At least 7 pounds of dried meat (or 5 pounds if it's ostrich)

- BeeGees albums, preferably pre-1986

- Animal oils (medical grade ONLY!)

- Ant farms (preferably bi-color communities)

- Beta Fish (at least 57)

- Fiat engine parts

- Gargoyles (the former Disney animated series) figurines/memorabilia

- Atari games

- Used Birkenstocks, any size

- Peter Piper Pizza tokens and/or tickets

- Individually wrapped airline snacks

- VHS episodes of "In Living Color"

- replacement yellow stitching for Doc Martens shoes

If you have any of these items, we can make a deal. If not, I'm sorry.

Thanks,

JJ

Improvising

I think the boomerang was invented by a guy who loved playing Frisbee, but didn't have any friends.

And the Winner Is...

No one wins in a fight with a punching bag. At the end, you're tired, but it can go all day.

So really, it's the bag that should be synonymous with "resilience," not the boxer.

Plan B

When life gives you lemons, set them aside and make brownies.

(We're already operating under the assumption that you have sugar on hand, and we're hungry.)

Calling it like I see it, pt. 2

More aptly named: "SAD: Social Awkwardness Developer"

You Must Choose!

It's either a shirt, or a flag.

Combined, you're doing both your country and yourself (and your spouse) a disservice.

Note: Not Naturally Occurring in Nature

Show me an animal making use of this in a jungle. Then, you can justify the name.

Until that time, let's call it what it is: Domestic Eventual Injury Catalyst

Choices, choices

I saw a documentary advertised as "the greatest assembly of Loch Ness scientists ever gathered."

It gave me an idea to do a documentary about that documentary, advertised as "the greatest assembly of single men who, in twenty years, will wish they never laid eyes on a Loch Ness photo ever gathered."

Calling it like I see it

The official face of nursing home TV.

Wanted: Giant iPhone

I found this ad online. Under what circumstances is this a threat to my iPhone?

Who's Counting?

Some churches like to post the order of establishment, like "First United Methodist," or "Second Baptist."

It seems like the counting stops after 2, though.

"Hey man, where do you go to church?"

"Fourteenth Presbyterian."

My Good Side

I saw a story on CNN today about a kitten born with two faces. That's tough for the owner, but tougher for the cat, who now has to work twice as hard to ignore him.

The Perfect Pair

People always use the expression "They go together like ..." and then plug in some common approved pairing, such as "peanut butter and jelly" or "peas in a pod."

I think it's time for some more relevant pairings.

So, they go together like...

- barbwire bicep tattoos and regret

- Williams Sonoma prices and poverty

- piano lessons and quitting

- barefoot beach walks and HPV

- pirates and scurvy (or beri beri, you pick)

- August and high energy bills

- soccer and anywhere but America

Can you think of any others?