Hit Me Incessantly With a Stick

There's many things that would be difficult about working at a piñata factory, but the hardest might be the gradual loss of excitement about birthdays.

An upside, though ... this would be considered a successful marketing slogan: "Guaranteed to fall apart!"

Poorly Suited

"It's a bird! It's a plane..."

Really? Is it one of those new "flapping planes" or simply the loudest bird mankind has ever witnessed?

I can see how you might confuse those.

Fishy

I bought a Chinese Fighting Fish, but he looks more Korean to me.

Boundaries

I don't like live plants in my house. That's why I bought a house, so that the wild plant/domestic space boundary would be clear.

You don't see me leaving a lamp in the forest.

Surprise?

I saw a TV show the other day that introduced Max as "a successful wax sculptor who is surprisingly single."

I'm guessing his friends aren't surprised. Or anyone who knows what he does for a living.

Discharged!

The phrase "He was discharged!" is only positive in regards to someone leaving the hospital. 

Perhaps also with a man stuck in a circus cannon; but even then, a lot depends on the landing. 

Narwhals, again.

What we call medieval jousting is just a normal game of chicken among narwals. 

Why did the narwhal cross the street? To freak people out by validating his existence.

In the ocean, they don't use the term "stabbed." They say "narwhalled."

Convinced?

I saw a headline article on CNN.com entitled "Ted Danson: World's Biggest Fish are Dying."

It's going to take more than that to raise my eyebrow. 

Shared Interests

What do the walrus and the narwhal have in common:

Odd teeth? Nope.

Communism.

More Accurately

Based on actual function, I wouldn't call it a "fire hydrant."

I'd call it "dog urination checkpoint*"

*assisting in fire suffocation

1,000 hits!

Wow, I've visited my blog roughly 823 times now, so the rest of you (Mom) have made up the difference in only 4 months.

I bet if James Van Der Beek's gardener had a blog, he couldn't beat those numbers.

The Audacity!

I'd hate to live up to the standards set by the guy who invented the massage chair.
Here's a guy who looked squarely at a perfectly good chair and said "I know your entire existence is spent holding us in ergonomic comfort, but what else can you do?"

Kind Words

I saw a documentary the other day where the narrator introduced a man by saying "John is considered to be the world's leading expert on colossal squids," which is a better way of saying "John is considered to be one of the world's most irrelevant people."

I Need a Check!

Scene Butt Knot Herd

Grandma was a strict disciplinarian, a product of a pragmatic generation that wanted children to be "seen, but not heard."

We never followed in her footsteps in the family mime business.

No Thanks!

I saw a movie called "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," which inspired me to write a screenplay: "The Brotherhood of Suffering Boyfriends/Husbands"

The sequel will be called "Sorry, babe, er ... I'm Busy Tonight"

Distinguishing Characteristics

"Haha" -- funny

"Hehe" -- creeper