Things. I See.

Amongst Kings

2011-07-26T17:19:00.002-05:00

My attitude regarding Craigslist spam has completely changed of late. Every time one of these shows up in my inbox now, it's like Christmas morning.

Hello

My name is Jim, Ceo of Craigslist. We've recently partnered up with Apple for a one-time promotional event today, we are giving away complimentary Apple iPad 2 to randomly selected folks who have posted an ad on Cl. You have been chosen as one of our newest winners for today. We randomly choose numbers to match up with ads on Craig's list and your ad matched with our latest drawing.

We have now partnered up with Apple to advertise their hottest product yet, the Apple iPad 2. Once yet again, we have been running this campaign for one-day only. All you need to do is (click here) to go to our site generated for this promotion and enter your email to obtain yours for free. Simply make sure you enter your email therefore we may locate our records to make certain that we have reserved one for you. That is it!

Congrats on winning a free Apple iPad 2 (valued at $499). In case you could have any question or issues, feel free to email me back. However, you should claim your free iPad 2 first to guarantee one will be reserved for you personally prior to the deadline ends. We do understand that you may possibly not receive this email until after the deadline, however, we suggest you check out the web site and enter your email to see if we still have yours on hold, which we often-times do because others have not claimed theirs on time.

Jim

CEO, Craigslist

Jim,

Thank you so much for emailing me personally. I'm a bit shocked to be speaking with you, the CEO of Craigslist. I'm mostly shocked that your name isn't Craig, but that's neither here not there.

Not many CEOs would personally engage a commoner such as myself in a daily prize drawing program. Kudos to you on your customer engagement.

First off, I know Apple is incredibly selective, and as one of Fortune's Most Admired Companies, it makes complete sense that they would partner with a stripped-down bartering website known for good used power tool finds and sketchy massage services. Who wouldn't want to attach their name to that - Apple with another ace move!

To be honest, your email could not have come at a more perfect time. You might not be aware of this, but I am actually a direct descendent of Scandinavian royalty. It gets a bit complicated once I map out the family tree (my "great aunt" is technically a very old porcelain jewelry box), but I'm basically the equivalent of a prince. I have in my possession multiple crowns to prove this.

Although I have millions to my name, I've lost my passport on my most recent trip to Kenya, and am trapped. If you'd be so kind to respond to this email with your address, and perhaps spot me a few dollars to help me get a new passport, I would gladly repay the favor with 10X your donation, as well as 3 precious stones of your choice (and yes, lapis is an option!).

Your the CEO of Craigslist. I'm Scandanavian royalty. You're the equivalent of a King, and I will be some day (as long as my "cousin," a prize mule, dies soon). Let's just call this a diplomatic exchange and make it happen.

I will eagerly await your response.

Many thanks,

Jak

Spammers: Sharing is Caring

2011-01-11T14:17:00.003-06:00

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to reply to these emails anymore and exhaust this joke. But the emails keep coming...

Re: 78 dodge motorhome/ trade suv - $3500 (wheat ridge)

Hidyho angie long

Just a heads up about something I think you might be interested in. This great guide can get you generating a decent living over net.

Unfortunately for me I was made redundant so was very happy to discover this, especially after I had to sell my mums engagement ring to cover the groceries. Only took two weeks to get running

Just enter "Javiswealth pack" into Google for information

Good luck, Alex

-------------------------------------

Alex,

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your mums broken engagement. I'm sure your family origin is an interesting one.

You probably don't get a lot of replies to your emails, but I want to be sure and offer a big THANK YOU for this heads up information. The crazy thing is that my name isn't Angie Long, nor am I selling a '78 Dodge Motorhome for $3500 (but that's a steal deal at twice the price!). I don't know how you found me, but this is like a "Touched By An Angel" episode!

Since you've already done so much for me, I thought I might pass along some helpful info your way. My wife and I watched the most fascinating documentary the other night, and it has really revolutionized our worldview. It was completely unexpected! There I was, wanting to put on my pajama jeans and relax after a long day at the butterfly conservatory, when this film completely grabbed my focus and never let go.

It's called Space Jam, and it's a documentary about how Michael Jordan spent his off years in between basketball retirements. I always thought he was trying baseball - boy was I mistaken!

Apparently, MJ was minding his own business when he was forced to face a race of superhuman cartoon monsters for the fate of the universe. These monsters had stolen the talents from NBA greats such as Shawn Bradley and Muggsy Bogues! I always knew MJ was special, but I never knew how special he was.

If you're like me, you've always lived with the sneaking suspicion that Looney Tunes characters were real. You know what I'm talking about - the sleepless nights wondering, the Elmer Fudd sightings on random nature walks, or the way ducks always seem to look at you. I never wanted to voice my belief - but now I confidently can!

I hope this documentary brings you as much relief as it did for me.

Please feel free to pass this on.

Most affectionately,

Upping the Ante

2010-12-08T09:33:00.004-06:00

I've had several spammers of note on Craigslist lately, but I must say - this man is bold. If times get tough, I just might consider his offer...

-----

On Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 8:52 AM, Ryan Barnes wrote:

Attention active Cl User,

My name is Ryan Barnes, Boss of Craigslist. We have not long ago partnered up with a recruitment company to help us in search for the right person to join our Craigslist team.

We are clearly aware unemployment is on the rise and people are desperate to make ends meet. For those still searching for work this would be a great opportunity .

Presently we are looking for a number of enthusiastic people (No experience necessary) to become a member of our team to deal with high volume of support. An attractive 100k income and a 2 week training will be provided to the right applicants.

At the moment our network are being flooded by spammers blocking up our system and at the same time complaints are rising and we cannot afford to slip behind.

In order to be considered, candidates must finish an IQ test, which is located here ...

The test will take approximately 10 min's to complete. Be sure to include your mobile phone number after you complete the test in order to track your results and for contact purposes. Applicants scoring inside a specified range will be reached by telephone to organise an interview within 24 hrs of completion by one of our administrators. Test information is strictly forbidden from being shared with any 2nd parties. It is important to us that your details is kept confidential and exempt from disclosure.

Be aware: Applicants who do not complete the examination will not be considered for the position due to the large volume of inquiries we receive.

Thank you once again for your interest.

9:32 AM (1 minute ago)
Attn: Ryan Barnes, Most High Boss of Craigslist,

I must say Mssr. Barnes, it is an honor to meet the Boss of Craigslist. Truly it is. I just have so many questions as to how you've built such an incredible online empire. This. Is. Epic!

I would love to take your IQ test, but I might have some difficulty in doing so, because I have no hands, eyes, elbows or a bellybutton. As you might imagine, this makes taking computer aptitude tests very difficult. I'm only able to write this correspondence because I have created an elaborate homemade computer system which involves a motherboard, CPU, vintage toaster, SAAB engine parts, a few Micro Machines cars and a lot of inspiration from the move "Batteries Not Included" (you know what I'm talking about!). In fact, this email took me 6 hours to write.

Please excuse my excitement - once again, I'm so thrilled to be communicating with the Boss of Craigslist - the world's number one site for extra special super bargains! You said you were looking for enthusiastic people, and I believe I am that people.

Quick question - Once I'm hired, will the skyscraper out of which I'll be working have an ocean view or a park view? Additionally, will the fitness center offer Zumba classes on site, or will I need to seek reimbursement?

Back to the matter at hand ... I think it's clear from my level or personal innovation that no IQ test is necessary. I can tell you, for official Boss documentation purposes, that I would score at least a 276 (and that's IF you're using the standard Bartlett-Holmes deviation method).

I'm more than happy to meet you in person for an interview. Due to my physical limitations, you'll understand if I can't wear a suit in the traditional sense. I can, however, sport a mean cummerbund.

When can I start?

Most enthusiastically,

JJ

Another One Bites the Dust

2010-12-01T09:50:00.002-06:00

Brad Farr

(9 hours ago)

Hello i really appreciate your response to my earlier mail. I will
like to buy this item so pls do withdraw the advert from Craigslist. I
will also like you to know that i will be paying via check.I will need
you to provide me with the following information to facilitate the
mailing of
the check.
1.Your full name to be on the check
2.Home or work address
3.Your phone number.
**I will like you to know that you will not be responsible for moving i will
have my mover come over for the pick up as soon as you have cashed the
check**
Have a nice day.

------------

Brad,

I'm so sorry but I don't accept a check as a form of payment. Actually, I don't accept cash either. I prefer to barter.

Here are the items I consider an equivalent trade:

- At least 7 pounds of dried meat (or 5 pounds if it's ostrich)

- BeeGees albums, preferably pre-1986

- Animal oils (medical grade ONLY!)

- Ant farms (preferably bi-color communities)

- Beta Fish (at least 57)

- Fiat engine parts

- Gargoyles (the former Disney animated series) figurines/memorabilia

- Atari games

- Used Birkenstocks, any size

- Peter Piper Pizza tokens and/or tickets

- Individually wrapped airline snacks

- VHS episodes of "In Living Color"

- replacement yellow stitching for Doc Martens shoes

If you have any of these items, we can make a deal. If not, I'm sorry.

Thanks,

Improvising

2010-09-03T13:14:00.001-05:00

I think the boomerang was invented by a guy who loved playing Frisbee, but didn't have any friends.

And the Winner Is...

2010-09-03T13:11:00.003-05:00

No one wins in a fight with a punching bag. At the end, you're tired, but it can go all day.

So really, it's the bag that should be synonymous with "resilience," not the boxer.

Plan B

2010-08-23T22:18:00.001-05:00

When life gives you lemons, set them aside and make brownies.

(We're already operating under the assumption that you have sugar on hand, and we're hungry.)

Calling it like I see it, pt. 2

2010-08-23T22:17:00.002-05:00

More aptly named: "SAD: Social Awkwardness Developer"

You Must Choose!

2010-08-23T22:16:00.002-05:00

It's either a shirt, or a flag.

Combined, you're doing both your country and yourself (and your spouse) a disservice.

Note: Not Naturally Occurring in Nature

2010-08-23T22:13:00.002-05:00

Show me an animal making use of this in a jungle. Then, you can justify the name.

Until that time, let's call it what it is: Domestic Eventual Injury Catalyst

Choices, choices

2010-08-23T22:11:00.002-05:00

I saw a documentary advertised as "the greatest assembly of Loch Ness scientists ever gathered."

It gave me an idea to do a documentary about that documentary, advertised as "the greatest assembly of single men who, in twenty years, will wish they never laid eyes on a Loch Ness photo ever gathered."

Calling it like I see it

2010-08-23T22:10:00.002-05:00

The official face of nursing home TV.

Wanted: Giant iPhone

2010-07-06T12:58:00.001-05:00

I found this ad online. Under what circumstances is this a threat to my iPhone?

Who's Counting?

2010-06-23T16:55:00.002-05:00

Some churches like to post the order of establishment, like "First United Methodist," or "Second Baptist."

It seems like the counting stops after 2, though.

"Hey man, where do you go to church?"

"Fourteenth Presbyterian."

My Good Side

2010-06-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

I saw a story on CNN today about a kitten born with two faces. That's tough for the owner, but tougher for the cat, who now has to work twice as hard to ignore him.

The Perfect Pair

2010-06-10T14:32:00.002-05:00

People always use the expression "They go together like ..." and then plug in some common approved pairing, such as "peanut butter and jelly" or "peas in a pod."

I think it's time for some more relevant pairings.

So, they go together like...

- barbwire bicep tattoos and regret

- Williams Sonoma prices and poverty

- piano lessons and quitting

- barefoot beach walks and HPV

- pirates and scurvy (or beri beri, you pick)

- August and high energy bills

- soccer and anywhere but America

Can you think of any others?

No Response?

2010-06-08T12:09:00.003-05:00

From time to time, I post things on Craigslist. My favorite part is the emails I get from scammers, because it gives me the opportunity to have a completely anonymous conversation with little to no consequences. Enjoy...

Thanks for the prompt response to my mail. I will be buying it from you so please kindly withdraw the advert . Please to be informed that i will pay you with a certified bank check and once you have the check cashed at your bank then i will arrange for the pick up at your place..I will need the following details to mail the payment as soon as possible.

Name to be on the check____
Home address____
City____
State____
Zip Code_____
Cell phone #______

Stefani.

Hi!

That sounds great! I was so ready to sell it. It's been on Craigslist 3 days(!), and I was beginning to lose patience and just take the thing to Goodwill.

As you know from the ad, I live in Austin, so you must know I'm very concerned about the carbon emissions associated with the modern postage system.

So let's do this: I have a falcon that I've trained, named Twizzlers. He's much like a carrier pigeon, except for his huge talons and wild carnivorous appetite. If you just give me your address (I assume your local), I can send him to pick up the check.

Don't worry, he's very well trained. Just leave some raw meat or chicken bones on top of the check to replenish his strength. (Also, make sure you don't have any pet cats or small dogs out on the porch.)

I know that seems a bit extreme, but he can complete the task within 48 hours, and I feel it's worth it for Mother Earth.

Let me know if this works for you. I plan on taking the bike to the shop this afternoon to be cleaned and packed.

Thanks!

Jak

Baby Daddy

2010-04-17T19:55:00.001-05:00

It would be difficult to be married to a jealous butterfly. Whenever she'd give birth to a caterpillar, he'd be like "Who's the father!"

Honey?

2010-04-17T19:54:00.001-05:00

If "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" and its sequel "Honey, I Blew Up the Baby" were documentaries instead of fictional films, then the third installment would inevitably be called "Honey, it's time for a career change."

Rest in Piece

2010-04-17T19:53:00.002-05:00

If they really were pieces of Reese, that would be gross and disrespectful.

AND they'd have to be refrigerated.

Mr. Nice Guy

2010-04-15T16:39:00.002-05:00

My friend is starting a web business and wanted me to drop a link to his site.

He's a great guy, so help him out clicking on the link below.

Or, I will metaphorically heap burning coals upon your head.

Your call.

LINK!

Lose-Lose

2010-04-15T11:11:00.002-05:00

There's a building by my house called "Recordings for the Blind and Dyslexic."

I'm pretty sure you insult both groups when you lump them together like that.

That's ... Armageddon

2010-04-14T09:17:00.001-05:00

When the moon hits your eye

Like a big pizza pie

That's ... time to take shelter

(Seriously, the moon is crashing into earth)

Cool Story, Bro.

2010-04-13T20:17:00.001-05:00

Headline article on CNN: "Archeologists discover mummy."

No kidding?

In other news, today is Tuesday and flowers still smell good.

Oh, the Stench!

2010-04-13T15:36:00.004-05:00

How did we ever come to associate the expression "gravy train" with something positive? I can't think of anything worse than that pulling into the station.

Stinks

2010-04-13T14:02:00.001-05:00

I'd like to punch the guy who determined the spelling for "potpourri."

Apropos

2010-04-13T13:59:00.004-05:00

"This is my exit" is a phrase acceptable at which of the following locations:

A. In a car, on a highway

B. An antique show featuring vintage office safety signs

C. Introduction to proctology class

D. All of the above

Overhearings

2010-04-13T13:58:00.001-05:00

"Man, this healthcare bill is crazy."

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know."

"Seahorses are asexual."

Picking Up Where They Left Off

2010-04-13T13:56:00.002-05:00

One man's trash is another man treasure. Just ask the former makers of the "cloth poncho."

Making Compromises

2010-02-10T17:32:00.003-06:00

I feel like a book called "A Career as a Mascot" could also be called "Single for Life."

Take it Easy

2010-01-28T12:19:00.001-06:00

A tostado is just a relaxed taco.

Slippery

2010-01-27T21:56:00.002-06:00

I try to remain elusive when telemarketers call, so I just tell them I'm a boxer.

That way, they don't know if I'm a professional fighter, a mover or a very rare dog.

Balloon Boy

2010-01-27T21:53:00.002-06:00

I drove by a business yesterday with a sign that said "Balloon Delivery."

I hope that's an actual service, and not a method of delivery.

"It should float overhead between 12 and 5 ... here's a BB gun."

2010-01-27T21:52:00.001-06:00

10 years ago, if a person was caught "tweeting," they were insane.

Nevertheless, I'm on Twitter now, per the suggestion of a few friends.

http://twitter.com/jjaksha

Enjoy.

Faux Flora

2010-01-16T21:30:00.002-06:00

Silk plants are the mannequins of the floral world.

"I wonder what I would look like in that pot..."

"Redneck!" Oh, wait ...

2010-01-16T21:10:00.002-06:00

You've got to be more creative when trying to tease this species about its hillbilly tendencies.

FO Sighting

2010-01-16T21:02:00.003-06:00

Why do we call them UFO's? Isn't the "Unidentified" quality in UFO kind of understood?

We have specific names for every other flying object; I'm sure of this.

"Hey man, what's that up there?"

"Oh, that's just a flying object. Not the unidentified kind."

Play This at My Funeral

2010-01-16T20:55:00.001-06:00

Advanced Science

2010-01-16T14:47:00.005-06:00

Is the caption on the bottom left really necessary? (click photo to enlarge)

If so, then God bless that little Italian village.

The Similarities Stop There

2010-01-15T15:45:00.006-06:00

Who felt these animals had enough similarities to share a common name?

"Well, other than not having pink skin, a relatively hairless body, different ears, nose, habitat, diet, edible quality, religious significance and overall existence, they're nearly identical!"

Was "Guinea Rat" taken?

Hi, Coo!

2010-01-12T22:02:00.004-06:00

I've been on a haiku kick as of late. Here's a few ponderings...

Kia Salesman

Kia salesman says,

"Buy a toaster, or a car

Really, it's your choice"

Poor Investment

Took a large bank loan

Invested in turtlenecks

Now - warm neck, no cash

ESPN World's Strongest Man Competition

Three hundred pound stones

Thrown, piled, lifted and carried

I say, just leave them

Captivated

2010-01-09T23:03:00.002-06:00

An animal should only be considered a pet if it can be domesticated.

That's not a "pet" iguana. That's just a personal, small-scale reptile exhibit.

Self Esteem

2010-01-07T11:08:00.003-06:00

(If you say that title a few times, it sort of sounds like a Spanish person trying to pronounce a product designed to remove wrinkles from your clothes while wearing them.)

Seriously, though, if you read this blog, please comment below. It doesn't matter if you've commented before, please do so again. I'm trying to see if anyone still reads this.

Also, if you're familiar with haiku, please leave your comment in that form.

Ouch

2010-01-06T10:14:00.003-06:00

Art imitates life.

And if your art is piñatas, life is hard.

Good and Nope Not At All

2010-01-05T12:18:00.003-06:00

If your product name and subsequent advertising campaign consists of two simple adjectives, you should ensure that both are true.

No It's Not

2010-01-05T11:34:00.002-06:00

I heard someone say once that "love is a battlefield."

I'm pretty sure the inverse isn't true; just ask anyone on a battlefield.

Like a Fine Wine

2009-12-16T22:25:00.003-06:00

Using the word "vintage" makes something instantly cool that was once old.

So what if they wear HD Wraparounds glasses and have an escalating fondness for doilies?

I say we call them "vintage citizens." They deserve it.

Throwback

2009-12-16T22:24:00.002-06:00

Enjoy.

(click on the word "enjoy." That's called a "hyperlink.")

Capitalist

2009-12-02T18:05:00.004-06:00

I'd like my yard to be wheatgrass; that way, I could sell the clippings.

Mowing = Harvest Time

Revisiting Ferrets

2009-11-30T14:44:00.001-06:00

I almost bought a ferret once, but decided I'd rather have friends.

Both/And

2009-11-30T08:44:00.003-06:00

The spork is both fork and spoon.

It's the hermaphrodite of culinary utensils.

Actually, Don't...

2009-11-30T08:42:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when you're talking about something, and a related event suddenly happens, people will say "well, speak of the devil!"

I say let's leave him out of this; we've already had one coincidence today.

Feel the Urn!

2009-11-24T17:33:00.004-06:00

The only difference between an urn and a decorative jar is that the former has someone's ashes in it.

This tells ms that, historically, someone got away with improvising.

In the Future

2009-11-24T17:30:00.003-06:00

Futuristic movies always have holograms of people and things.

I hope we invent that soon, because I've always wanted to say "Hey, just set that over there, by the hologram."

Going Green

2009-11-24T17:28:00.001-06:00

Technically, every day is an earth day.

Stunning

2009-11-24T17:27:00.002-06:00

Can you imagine the guy that first discovered popcorn? I bet he thought himself a wizard.

Hit Me Incessantly With a Stick

2009-08-14T17:23:00.005-05:00

There's many things that would be difficult about working at a piñata factory, but the hardest might be the gradual loss of excitement about birthdays.

Poorly Suited

2009-07-30T22:23:00.005-05:00

"It's a bird! It's a plane..."

Really? Is it one of those new "flapping planes" or simply the loudest bird mankind has ever witnessed?

I can see how you might confuse those.

Fishy

2009-07-30T22:21:00.001-05:00

I bought a Chinese Fighting Fish, but he looks more Korean to me.

Boundaries

2009-07-30T22:13:00.004-05:00

I don't like live plants in my house. That's why I bought a house, so that the wild plant/domestic space boundary would be clear.

You don't see me leaving a lamp in the forest.

Surprise?

2009-07-30T22:11:00.002-05:00

I saw a TV show the other day that introduced Max as "a successful wax sculptor who is surprisingly single."

I'm guessing his friends aren't surprised. Or anyone who knows what he does for a living.

Discharged!

2009-06-08T19:56:00.003-05:00

The phrase "He was discharged!" is only positive in regards to someone leaving the hospital.

Also, circus cannons.

Narwhals, again.

2009-06-08T16:59:00.003-05:00

What we call medieval jousting is just a normal game of chicken among narwals.

In the ocean, they don't use the term "stabbed." They say "narwhalled."

Convinced?

2009-06-08T16:57:00.003-05:00

I saw a headline article on CNN.com entitled "Ted Danson: World's Biggest Fish are Dying."

Glad we finally got him involved; something needed to be done.

Shared Interests

2009-05-15T13:01:00.003-05:00

What do the walrus and the narwhal have in common:

Odd teeth? Nope.

Communism.

More Accurately

2009-05-13T17:41:00.005-05:00

Based on actual function, I wouldn't call it a "fire hydrant."

I'd call it "dog urination checkpoint*"

*assisting in fire suffocation

1,000 hits!

2009-05-13T17:38:00.004-05:00

Wow, I've visited my blog roughly 823 times now, so the rest of you (Mom) have made up the difference in only 4 months.

I bet if James Van Der Beek's gardener had a blog, he couldn't beat those numbers.

The Audacity!

2009-05-11T19:28:00.005-05:00

I'd hate to live up to the standards set by the guy who invented the massage chair.
Here's a guy who looked squarely at a perfectly good chair and said "I know your entire existence is spent holding us in ergonomic comfort, but what else can you do?"

Kind Words

2009-05-11T19:26:00.003-05:00

I saw a documentary the other day where the narrator introduced a man by saying "John is considered to be the world's leading expert on colossal squids," which is a better way of saying "John is considered to be one of the world's most irrelevant people."

I Need a Check!

2009-05-07T22:44:00.002-05:00

Scene Butt Knot Herd

2009-05-04T09:44:00.002-05:00

Grandma was a strict disciplinarian, a product of a pragmatic generation that wanted children to be "seen, but not heard."

We never followed in her footsteps in the family mime business.

No Thanks!

2009-05-02T13:45:00.004-05:00

I saw a movie called "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," which inspired me to write a screenplay: "The Brotherhood of Suffering Boyfriends/Husbands"

The sequel will be called "Sorry, babe, er ... I'm Busy Tonight"

Distinguishing Characteristics

2009-04-30T06:58:00.001-05:00

"Haha" -- funny

"Hehe" -- creeper

Superpowers

2009-04-29T18:28:00.002-05:00

If I had the choice of being able to throw flames or resist them, I'd choose the latter, because I really love the phrase "fire retardant."

These Are the Same (Animal Edition pt. 2)

2009-04-29T09:40:00.004-05:00

He's part of the family now...

You're just figuring out a way to keep him happy and avoid him as much as possible.

These Are the Same (Animal Edition)

2009-04-29T09:35:00.005-05:00

Never the desired response when you want it.

Read this?

2009-04-25T15:41:00.002-05:00

Just trying to find out if anyone other than Jacob actually reads this ... if so, please comment.

(And, if you could make your comment rhyme, I'd be just tickled.)

Recession Proof

2009-04-22T22:18:00.002-05:00

I got this exact text from a spam email today. Very intriguing prospect...

Adolph Benson

to me

What if you was taken ill and you need products to help your organism right now?

There is no time for prescription, no time for driving among supermarkets and asking for the product you need.

The key is here! Come to our site, search using our system and you’ll get every product you need, regardless of what the illness is (from temperature or lupus to common flu!).

By the way, if you just compare prices on our site to the usual ones, you’ll see our large advantage!

Remember, not only we sell goods for that prices, we deliver them in a fast and reliable way!

I'm thinking of looking into this guy's services, as I don't want to be stuck with an irreparable organism.

Context

2009-04-14T14:47:00.003-05:00

If you tell someone you're "out of shape" they're likely to offer help with your goal.

Unless the desired shape is a trapezoid.

I Heart Your Originality

2009-03-25T11:47:00.002-05:00

I saw a bumper sticker that read: "I have a black belt in shopping!"

That should read: "I have a white belt in humor!"

Fanny Pack

2009-03-09T07:53:00.003-05:00

I needed to buy a fanny pack but was embarrassed because they're out of style. So I went to the counter and said, "Do you have any marsupial simulation devices?"

These Are the Same, Really

2009-03-05T21:26:00.003-06:00

Singular or Plural, or Both?

2009-02-26T14:27:00.001-06:00

Signs of a Recession

2009-02-26T14:24:00.004-06:00

"Not long ago, I was drafting legislation for what would be the most influential nation of its era, a beacon of democracy and resistor of tyranny. Now, this..."

New & Improved!

2009-02-16T21:13:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, sellers will market an existing product by placing a sticker on it that says "New & Improved." It hints at the possibility of a desired enhancement, but spares the details.
I want to contact manufacturers of already great products, and sell them my "Unchanged & Still Awesome" stickers.

Cepacol

2009-02-16T21:09:00.002-06:00

There's a commercial out for a new prescription drug for throat pain called Cepacol.
In their stellar television ads, the story is acted out by two cartoon giraffes in tuxedos, because that's a great way to drive the message home *.

*with nobody

Inspired.

2009-02-16T21:06:00.002-06:00

I ate at a restaurant yesterday where the cuisine was described as "Asian inspired."
C'mon, who isn't inspired by Asians?

Ferrets

2009-02-16T21:04:00.002-06:00

I was waiting in line at Petsmart yesterday and saw a magazine called "Ferrets USA!"
I never really thought about the patriotic qualities of a ferret before.
Maybe the acronym stood for "U Stink Always."
Either way, I thought of a better title for the magazine: "Owning a ferret, and living with regret."

The Space Between

2009-02-09T21:57:00.002-06:00

Kidnapping.
Kid, napping.

The space makes all the difference.

Oyster

2009-02-09T21:54:00.002-06:00

It must be difficult being an oyster. You spend your whole life sucking on brittle, jagged sand with the hopes that your effort will result in one beautiful work of art.
Then someone cuts you open, casts you aside, and hangs your art on a string with five dozen other indistinguishable copies.

(Speaks for Itself)

2009-02-09T21:53:00.002-06:00

I was searching for Spiderman pictures earlier, and found this...

Because He Cares

2009-02-09T21:50:00.003-06:00

I love how Spiderman gestures his hands when he slings webs, because it's like "I know I'm shooting you, but, if you look closer, you'll see that I love you."

Life Moments

2009-02-03T15:20:00.002-06:00

I was driving down my street today and a squirrel darted in front of my truck, narrowly missing the front tire.
It was a relatively unimportant event for me, but I bet the squirrel will tell his grandkids that story.

More Better

2009-02-03T15:18:00.002-06:00

Why are the most popular superheroes named after animals we dislike the most. Spiderman? Batman?
Why not something already universally loved, like Golden Retrieverman, or The Incredible Hugging Koala?

Italics

2009-01-31T16:03:00.002-06:00

Italics is how a computer would write on a windy day.

Rewriting Childrens Songs, pt. 3

2009-01-31T15:58:00.003-06:00

This is my third attempt at rewriting childrens songs to more accurately reflect truths they will learn in life:

Rub-a-Dub-Dub
Three Men in a Tub
And Who do you Think They Be?
It doesn't matter -- just run away!

Animal Fur

2009-01-29T19:54:00.004-06:00

Wearing animal fur sends a message to the entire animal kingdom: I know you were created with this on, but look at me!

Hidden Treasure

2009-01-29T19:52:00.004-06:00

When I was a kid, sometimes I'd pour a bowl of cereal and a toy would come out and land in my bowl.
As I've gotten older, I've grown jaded, but still hold out for the day when I'll cut into a steak and find a ruby.

Plus What?

2009-01-29T19:50:00.002-06:00

I drove past a store today called "Paint Plus" and another called "Vitamins Plus."
Plus what?
It's like they originally intended to market a complementary product, but the shipment never came.

Best of the Best

2009-01-29T19:47:00.005-06:00

I saw a commercial today for a movie called Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans. The narrator said "Critics agree -- this is the best of the three Underworld movies."
Fantastic.
That's like the doctor saying "Studies agree -- Hepatitus B is the best form of Hepatitis to have."